


Doubt Creeps In

by sodapopmermaid



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Introspection, there isn't even any dialogue it's just a thought i latched onto
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:01:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28471311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sodapopmermaid/pseuds/sodapopmermaid
Summary: Sometimes, second guessing yourself is the healthiest thing you can do.A short ficlet for Secret Santa.
Kudos: 16





	Doubt Creeps In

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for @contrequirose, a marvelous writer and person. I love them very much, and they have plenty of very good fics on here, so I fully encourage you to go take a look!

Bren remembers everything. He remembers exactly how long it took his mother to braid her hair, and the crack in the perfume bottle she kept in her room that never actually had anything in it. He remembers how many broken boards he could see in his neighbors fence from his bedroom window. He remembers the way the wood of the kitchen table felt, all rough and solid except in the places where it had been so worn away that it was smooth and rounded. He used to sit and run his hands over those warps and edges, savoring the texture. Delighting in the repetitive motion.

When he came back from playing or practicing, there would always be food waiting. He knew that his parents were often stressed about money, but he never quite consolidated that with what they ate. His mother looked so tired, he realizes now, when she kissed his forehead and set down a bowl for him on the table. Every moment taken for granted, because their lives were such an absolute truth of the world. Doubt was unimaginable.

And then suddenly it was everywhere. 

Caleb remembers everything. He sorts it all into well ordered little boxes, tucks his thoughts away neatly into places he can shame them properly. There are moments he lapses and a thread comes loose, and all the thoughts come springing out of drawers and buckets and floor boards until his head is bursting and he realizes he’s lost any awareness of the world outside his own mind.

He tries not to let that happen. Not that he doesn’t deserve it, but it’s a terrible inconvenience when he’s supposed to be working. He’s always working.

It is an absolute truth of the world that he is a terrible person, and so he works to fix it. And then he works to make things better for the people that aren’t like him. And then he works for his friends. And then...

He watches Fjord rub at the edge of the kitchen table with his thumb.

He watches Veth count her baubles and trinkets before bed.

He watches Jester gently replace her mother’s perfume bottle in her bag every time she uses it.

He realizes that doubt has crept in again, and refuses to go, however much he shoves at it. Every instinctual thought of self hatred is immediately countered with an echo of his friends’ assurances. He clings to the knowledge that he’s unforgivable, and yet uncertainty clings with him.

Caleb doesn’t like himself enough to try to be better for his own sake. He shouldn’t. But for these people, for his friends, for Essek, for Astrid and Wulf somewhere out there... he can let himself doubt. He can let himself hope.


End file.
